For the first few years of my business, so much of what I did and the decisions I made were steeped in self-sabotage.
It wasn’t because I didn’t love what I did or didn’t desire success, but it was because I was fighting so hard to feel safe in this very vulnerable work of running a business.
Like me, I am sure you’ve noticed just how vulnerable business can be. It leads us to step out and be seen, express ourselves powerfully, ask for what we want and pour out our creative work for the world to witness. That’s not easy. That brave and tender and vulnerable work.
And so whatever we might associate with vulnerability will surely rise to the surface. If we are holding burdens and experiences about what happens to us when we are seen or vulnerable, they will make their presence loud and clear. That can show up in phrases like:
“It is not safe to be seen.”
“If they really knew me, they wouldn’t like me.”
“They will think I am ripping them off.”
“What if it’s not good enough?”
All of that is powerful information to let us know that we truly believe we are not safe. We are exposed and vulnerable and so much could go wrong. We must find safety and we must find it quickly and the best way to find it is in the form of self-sabotage.
At the beginning of my business, one of the big beliefs I had about myself was, “People love me from afar but hate me up close.” Because of that, I always had to have distance.
Spacious, spacious distance.
I would sabotage any opportunity for people to come close. Whether that be hiring coaches or team members, convincing myself I hated working 1:1 (plot twist: it is my favorite), or focusing on offerings that made me no money but at least kept people far from me.
Now the thing about me is that I am actually a person who adores walking with people closely. But I was so afraid of being rejected and hated that I self-sabotaged the sight of that kind of closeness or intimacy every single time.
Whenever I work with people on healing self-sabotage, one of the first questions that I always love to ask is, “Who are you under the self-sabotage?” Or in other words, “Who are you and what are you like when you feel genuinely and truly safe?”
It is a question to sit with and notice. Because when we can understand that, we get to know what’s available to us and what would be possible for us if we truly and genuinely felt safe outside of self-sabotage.
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That often leads to my next question which is, “What do you need to feel safe in your business?”
Because if you feel really safe and grounded in your business, you won’t need self-sabotage to run in because you are already caring for yourself so well. It is when we bypass what we need and do what we think we should without any consideration of our own safety and care that we cling to self-sabotage so dearly.
When I first started with the question around what made me feel safe, it was foreign. I’d never asked myself that question before, especially from a business perspective. But as I sat with it more and more, some things started to come to me. I felt safe when I had lots of time to do things, when I worked in smaller groups, when I profit-planned or knew my numbers or had a self-care morning routine.
Implementing those things was a game-changer but what was even more transformative was this reminder to turn inwards.
What do I need here?
What feels important here?
What helps me feel safe?
What does care look like here?
Rather than fighting so hard to make something work, changing strategies every two seconds, and following the online business advice dripping in “shoulds,” I made a picnic of self-connection for myself. And began to lead my business out of those pieces of safety and care.
I didn’t need self-sabotage anymore.
I had become safe for me, and so had my business.
You don’t self-sabotage because you hate yourself. You self-sabotage because you love yourself so much you’d do anything to feel safe.
But what if you could feel safe outside of self-sabotage?
What if your business could be a haven for you rather than a tightrope?
Those answers could hold the breakthrough for you.
Ashley Beaudin is a coach that helps creatives heal their self-sabotage and cultivate gentle businesses that they can feel safe inside of. She is known for her compassionate presence and soul-stirring voice. When she is not holding space for folks, you can find her discovering new donuts or having some heart-to-heart convos.
