People-pleasing is showing up under the guise of something else that we've labeled as good. You're sacrificing yourself on the altar of approval. And if we're not careful, if we're so focused on perception, we actually will give into deception. Just as much as the truth might cut, the truth will also set you free.
Welcome back to Legacy Creator. We are so excited to dive into today's episode. And if you've been tuning in this season, you know our theme is calling you to your roots. That is what season 3 is all about, just calling you back home to yourself, to your purpose, your power, your ultimate calling, because we can get so distracted on our path and on our journey in both life and business. But in light of that theme, we have to address a really important topic that, in my opinion, affects all of us across the board. Like, we are not untouched by this. I think no matter who you are, or where you're at, what stage of life and business you're in, what age you are, this affects all of us at some point in time. And I know our community can really relate, and it's people-pleasing.
And I wanna stop some of you right now because some of you might hear that and be like, "I'm gonna skip this." Like, "That's not me. I'm not a people-pleaser." And, like, hey, we're not gonna declare that we're people-pleasers around here. Like, our words have power. But I think that sometimes people-pleasing can affect us almost like—it can act as an undercurrent, and it's very underneath the surface, and it's under a guise that is perhaps kindness, or being a good leader, or just doing the right thing. And it can definitely sneak up on us in business 1,000%, of course in relationships, and you can give into this without even realizing that it's something that you're doing. And that's something that I'm gonna share a little bit about today, because this has definitely been part of my experience and my journey. But this could look like, you know, faltering on boundaries that you have in your business. This could be kind of shrinking and playing small when it comes to your voice, your message, what you're sharing through your business versus what you're not sharing, conversations that you know you might should have with clients versus conversations that you're actually having. Maybe you're opting to kinda play small to stay "relatable," quote, unquote.
And that's really something I wanna hit on here, is that a lot of times people-pleasing is showing up under the guise of something else that we've labeled as good. Mm-hmm. Because we all wanna be good people. We all wanna be good business owners and good leaders, but to what extent? Like, at what cost? And really, at the end of the day, when I think of someone who is running a successful business, they're a really good person, they're a really good leader, they are strong in their convictions. They are strong in communicating those convictions through their message, their content, even in private relationships. They're people that are willing to have hard conversations, not because they need everything to be structured around them in a selfish way, but because they want the best for that relationship or their community. So don't mistake, you know, people-pleasing with something that's just obvious and very on the surface, because a lot of times, it can be under the guise of something else. And at the end of the day, even the smallest undercurrent of this in your life and business, it can really pull you in a lot of directions and paths that, like, you're not meant to go on. And it can really cost you yourself and, like, the truth of who you are without you even realizing it. And it's almost like you get to this place where maybe you're living a lie almost, and you don't even realize it. But you start to feel, like, so misaligned in so many different areas, and you're like, "Why do I feel this anxiety? Why do I feel this misalignment?" It's because you're faltering on your convictions, on your values, on the things that you know that you should be saying, maybe because you wanna be that good person. You wanna be empathetic. You wanna be a good leader. But like I said, good leaders, strong individuals, they stand by their convictions. And I'm getting ahead of myself, y'all. Mm-hmm. I'm on my soapbox. I'm preaching already.
But really, today, the purpose of this conversation is we want to illuminate any parts of your life and your business that might have that undercurrent of people-pleasing, where you're just thinking so much about how you're perceived, what people think about you, how things are going to land, to the point where you're kinda distorting yourself. You're distorting your voice. You're turning your volume down. Maybe you're quiet. Maybe you aren't saying things that you know you should be saying. We wanna uproot anything and everything, all of those undercurrents of people-pleasing, so that at the end of the day, you can get back to the truth of who you are, your calling, and the work that you're meant to be doing, because we want you to be wholly, fully, and fearfully who you've been designed to be. And you can't do that when you're living in order to meet a perception of what you think that you should be in the eyes of other people. So, that's the conversation we're having today.
I'm like, if you aren't already buckled up, y'all, buckle the heck up. Get ready. It's so true, though, that people-pleasing can seem like this thing that only a certain group of people struggle with, or it only looks this way. But I love the point you made that it, it can be, like, disguised in so many different ways. And I feel like I never really labeled myself a people-pleaser. I never really thought of myself that way, which is a good thing. Like, I don't think that it's a label we should have on ourselves. But I remember having a conversation with you at some point, maybe it was, like, months ago. It could have been, like, last year even, talking about this concept. And you were sharing about how—this sort of was showing up for you, and then it sort of like—this light bulb went off for me, and it made me realize, like, how I had been doing that in certain situations and relationships. And I feel like that's just the first step, is, like, realizing and acknowledging how it's showing up for you, and that it is showing up in little ways. And it's ultimately damaging, because it's—it's usually damaging for you, it's damaging for relationships that you're in, uh, business or otherwise. And yeah, it's just crazy how you can be so unaware that you're doing it, but it is showing up, and yeah.
Yeah. I think for me, I used to have this success marker for myself that was something I didn't really acknowledge. But it was like, if someone wasn't happy with me or if they had pushback on something, whether the—and I'm speaking more so in business and clients. If they weren't happy, if they weren't singing my praises, then I was like, "I did something wrong." If they weren't on board with a piece of feedback that I gave them, or maybe I was really trying to call them higher into an area of their business or their vision that, like, they weren't quite, you know, wanting to step up to the plate for, which is totally okay, and I—and I had pushback, then I'd be like, "Oh, I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have done that." Mm-hmm. "now they disagree with me," or "now they think that I'm, you know, trying to push them too hard," or "now they think this or they think that." And it used to be, like, if there was disagreement, if there was pushback, then I did something wrong. And now, I've really had to flex this new muscle of, "I'm not here to please people, I'm here to operate out of integrity." So, if I find myself in a place where a client isn't happy, I don't ask, "Are they happy? And if not, dang, I'm wrong." I ask, "Did I operate out of integrity? Would I go back and do things the same way that I did them because it feels integrous and I aim to be the best leader that I could? Not by doing everything that they wanted me to do or saying things the way they wanted me to say it, but by operating from my conviction, from my values and—and my leadership, and the best way that I know how to serve?" And if I can say yes to that, it doesn't matter what they think or feel. In my heart, I know that I operated out of integrity and I did the best that I did. And that's something we all have to come to terms with in our life, is like, some person in your life is not gonna be happy at some point. Like, you are going to end up in a place where people are not happy with you, and that's in every facet of life, and we have to be okay with that. You know what I'm saying? That can't, like, make us crumble.
Yeah. And there are people listening to this that keep saying, "I wanna grow, I wanna grow. I wanna reach more people, I wanna have more impact." How comfortable are you with not pleasing people? How comfortable are you saying things that sometimes people don't wanna hear? That's gonna be required, and it might be the thing that's kind of a barrier to the growth that you're wanting. Because until you move past that, you won't be able to carry where you wanna go. Mm-hmm. If you're in a room in front of 10 people versus 1,000 people, there's gonna be a lot more responsibility with 1,000 people. And you need to be able to show up fully as you, fearfully as you, and operate from your values and conviction, and be okay if people don't like it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's like you have to be strong, so strong and so sure of the truth of who you are, and get so rooted in that, that you are unshakeable. people have an idea of who you are or this perception based on one interaction or a few interactions, that you're so sure of who you are. And like you said, you're operating out of this integrity, and you feel like you did the right thing, then, like, that's good. And you should feel so strong in that, that there's this confidence that comes from within you that can kind of, uh, be like a—a shield. It's like all their perceptions of you or anything that they have to say, like, "You did this," and, "I don't like that you did this," it's like it just pings off of you, 'cause it's like that doesn't matter. Like, I feel so strongly that I did the right thing in this scenario or that I am—I am operating out of integrity, that like—that doesn't affect you. It doesn't sway you. You're unmovable. You're like a stone. Mm-hmm. Like, you cannot be moved by that.
And I think so often we want to please people because we want maybe their approval or we are clinging to this control over their perceptions of us, or we're clinging to control over a situation, and we want to be seen a certain way. We want them to see us a certain way, and we might even create a version of ourselves that we project out so that they see us this way, even though that version of you might not be the whole truth of who you are. You're only giving them this one piece, or you're only showing this one thing because you're scared that they might see you, uh, a certain way and that they might not like it. You're scared of how they'll react. You're scared of how—how they'll perceive you. Instead of just standing in the truth of who you are and being so strong in your convictions, you're t—you're so worried about, like, being perceived a certain way. But like if you just stand in who you are, in the truth of who you are, then their perceptions just don't even matter. Mm-hmm. You know?
Man, as you were saying all of that, I'm like, oh my gosh, I have so been there. And it's one of those things I feel like we kind of have to unlearn in the business world, because let's be real. Perception is important in a certain light, right? And we're all concerned about how our brand comes across to people, how our company comes across to people, but I think that there's a difference between intentionality and overthinking absolutely every single thing that you're doing, because it's not about like, "I want this to land well and serve well." It's like, "But I want them to make sure that they see me this way, and I don't wanna come across this way because then they won't like me." There's a—an entirely different narrative that's happening there. And if we're not careful, if we're so focused on perception, we actually will give into deception. Ooh, snaps. If you're so focused on, "I have to be seen this way, I have to be seen this way, I have to be seen this way," then you are curating a narrative that is leaning more towards a lie than anything else. Mm-hmm. And I think there's an important distinction here. We're not encouraging you to overshare, especially in the business world. Even in relationships I think that there's definitely a difference here. You don't have to share every single thing about yourself, what you're going through, es—et cetera, but you do have to make sure that you're being an honest, true version of yourself. And when you're consumed with perception, you're actually in deception, and you're not being the truest version of you because you're living according to what other people want you to be, or what you think they want you to be. And you will always feel misaligned. You will always feel like something's off. You'll always feel anxiety and stress. I can tell you the times in my business where I was in a pattern of people pleasing, not because I knew I was people pleasing, but because I was operating from an immense amount of anxiety every day. I was showing up to meetings where I wasn't even presenting anything, and I was just, like, a ball of anxiety. And it was because I was putting on a version of myself that I thought people wanted to see, not the version of myself that I actually am. So we have to let go of this whole control thing. It does so much more harm than good. It doesn't serve us, and it definitely doesn't serve anyone else. Mm-hmm.
And to add to that, I really do feel like, uh, when you're walking in the truth of who you are, that should show up everywhere you go. That should show up in a one-on-one conversation with someone. That should show up in my relationship with you. That should show up in a group setting. That should show up in the—in client conversations, in group coaching, and whatever it is. That should show up in, uh, your settings with your family or friends or wherever it is. Like that truth should be walking out—like the truth of who you are, when you're living in that, that should show up everywhere you go. And if you're feeling any sort of misalignment or anxiety, it's probably because you are putting on a version of yourself that's not the truth of who you are. So then you're putting on this version for this person and that person and this group of people, and then you just feel all wonky inside because you're like, "This isn't me, but I feel like I need to be this way for this person." Mm-hmm. Or, "I feel like I need to say this thing or not say this thing because if I do, it'll ruffle feathers," or, "It'll—it'll ruin this friendship," or, "It'll ruin this relationship." So you just walk on eggshells in every relationship and every setting, and then you're just not even who you are anymore. Like you're just, uh, a bunch of different little versions of yourself, like—Mm-hmm.—a bunch of pieces of yourself, and you're not even truly, like, whole. You're just walking around being little pieces of you, when really, you need to walk in the truth of who you are, everywhere you go, in every room. Mm-hmm.
Have you ever met someone in person that you met online, and you thought to yourself, "Wow, they're so much different than I thought they would be"? Hm. I've definitely had that experience. And when I had that experience, I was like, "Man, I do not want that to be the experience someone has when they meet me." I want to carry the fullness of who I am into every room that I'm in. If I'm in a private coaching call with—if I'm in here with Jordan and we're recording a podcast, if I'm in the living room with my family, if I'm teaching to 100 people at a time, if I'm networking, I want to bring the fullness of myself into every single experience, online or offline. And I love that—that piece that you added here, because I do think that sometimes we are just putting pieces of ourselves and, like, segmenting ourselves into these different environments—Mm-hmm.—based on what we think that group will like the most—Yeah.—receive the most. And let's just say, too, let's just address that this isn't the path of comfort. If you wanna be comfortable, this is not the path for you, okay? Mm-hmm. Because bringing the fullness of yourself into every environment is going to turn some people away. It's going to—I don't know if it will necessarily offend people. It may in the online space, depending on what you're sharing, but you are not for everyone. Your business is not for everyone. So, this is not the path of comfort. This is the path of truth. Mm-hmm. And sometimes truth will cut you deep—as one of our mentors shared. Sometimes it will cut you, okay? So, you have to accept up front that if you're gonna go the path of leaving people-pleasing behind, you're not gonna be for everyone. And at first, that might hurt a little bit. It actually might hurt a lot a bit. I mean, I've definitely had experiences where, when I wasn't liked, when I was actually very disliked, or when I was shunned, whatever it may be, I was a ball—I was a—a ball of anxiety. I was a mess. I was crying on the couch. Today, I am not that same person, because I have grown tough skin, and I still have a soft heart, but I have grown thick skin. And again, my—my success meter now is that I operate out of integrity. Okay? So, this isn't the path of comfort, y'all. Be willing to, like, have a bumpy ride at first. But it's the path of truth, which means it's the path of the most alignment of you being able to be fully, wholly you and doing the work that you're called to do here, which to me is, like, the obvious choice, the meaningful choice.
Yeah. And just as much as the truth might cut, and it might even cut off relationships, it might cut people the—the wrong way, the truth will also set you free. And I know that's a cliché, but we say, "clichés are clichés for a reason," because they are—they hold some truth to them. And the truth will set you free to just be who you are in every room and every environment, online, in person. And that will just make you feel so much more at ease in your life, and it will bring a sense of peace. Even if there's some pain involved in that process, and some friendships or relationships that maybe, uh, die out because of that, you're gonna feel so much more free because of it. You're gonna feel free and happy and relieved and at peace. And, like, that, I think, is worth its weight in gold. That is way more important than trying to make everyone happy, because that's just gonna create, like, discomfort. That's just gonna create that misalignment and make you feel all wonky inside all the time forever. And, like, obviously we don't want that for you. Ain't that the truth?
I know when I've cut off relationships that had people-pleasing at the root of them, and not even necessarily because of the other person, but because that's what I brought into the relationship, when I cut those out of my life, I can't even explain in words the peace that, like, came upon me, like, the minute that I made that transition. So, imagine if you make that transition in your relationships, but also in your business, in your content, in your client relationships. And we're gonna get to some of that, but peace will follow. Amen.
And just to add here, this behavior of trying to make everyone happy and seek this approval from other people, it works for a time. It's like a temporary solution, but it doesn't last. And because of that, it's—it's gonna take its toll eventually, down the road. And it's gonna take a toll on you. And I feel like it can stem from this place of wanting affirmation and approval from all the wrong places, from people that you shouldn't be seeking approval from. And then, eventually down the road, you're just gonna burn out, because that—that's not going to sustain you. Approval from this person and that person, or from strangers on the internet, like, that's not going to sustain you for—in the long term. Mm. It's so true.
And it can be so addicting, especially if this is where you find most of your validation and your affirmation in yourself from other people, what they have to say about you. And it can be a tricky one for people who are, like, words-of-affirmation people. And we're both words-of-affirmation people. I'm definitely words of affirmation. It edifies me, it builds me up. We have to be very, very careful that we aren't seeking that to show us who we are. Even from your closest inner circle, that shouldn't be the source of your confidence and your belief. We have to find that from a deeper place. And so that's why people-pleasing can be addicting, and we get into this pattern where we are going above and beyond in our eyes. We're saying "yes" all the time. We're doing all of these things, and it becomes a loop, and then we don't know another way to exist. We don't even know how to say "no." I can't tell you how many con—conversations that I get in with clients where they're like, "What should I do in this situation with this client?" And I'm like, "Based on the way you're asking this question, you need to say 'no'," or "You need to set this boundary," or "You need to redirect them," or whatever it may be. We often know when we need to set a boundary, we need to cut that pattern out, but it can be hard to do that because we've become addicted to the cycle of over-giving, over-delivering, affirmation, awesome, and that feels really good for, like, 30 minutes. But then the client or the friend wants it again, and again, and again. And then you get deeper and deeper and deeper into this dark hole, and it becomes a very, very big kind of, like, debilitating issue in your life.
So, people-pleasing can show up in so many different ways, and I want you to perk your ears up at this part, because again, I feel like there are people listening to this that may not c—identify as a people-pleaser, but sometimes there is an undercurrent of people-pleasing that's happening. And one of the biggest things, one of the biggest ways this sh—can show up, is that you're saying "yes" a lot. In the back of your mind, you're justifying your "yes" when you really wanna say "no," because you're like, "Ugh, I just wanna keep the peace. I don't wanna deal with—" "Don't wanna deal with it." And I kinda think about a parent who's, like, it's like the 50th time that they're telling their baby or their kid, like, "No, you can't do that." And then you're just, "Whatever. Whatever, just let them do it. It's fine." 'Cause you don't wanna deal with it. You—you don't wanna deal with having the conversation. You don't wanna deal with the discomfort of putting up a boundary. You just wanna keep the peace because it seems easier. And it might provide ease for a moment, but over time, it'll become a pattern and it will affect the entire client relationship. You could also just be, like we've mentioned before, like walking on eggshells. You're, like, kinda barely being a piece of yourself because you're like, "I don't wanna offend anybody." "I don't wanna upset them, so I'm gonna, like, hold my breath." It's like, what we're doing, we're like, every day, just like, holding our breath and, like, barely, like, shallowly breathing, like, walking around. Like, that's how we're sharing our content. That's how we're emailing our clients. That's how we're selling, 'cause we don't wanna be perceived as someone who's pushy or someone who's this and this. This is a big thing that shows up in sales, you guys, a big thing, because one of the biggest pushbacks I have when it comes to proactive selling in people's business is, "I don't want them to think I'm pushy." I get it, because wh—nobody wants to come across that way. And yes, there are ways that we can make sure that you're operating out of integrity and you are showing that you wanna serve, so there are definitely things to consider with that. But that can't be the thing that holds you back from selling in your business. Like, we can't just be walking around like, "I'm not gonna go sell, 'cause I don't want them to think I'm pushy. I don't want them to think this about me." You can't control what people think. That's not within your grasp. That's another reason why people-pleasing is so exhausting. You don't actually have control. You only have control over you. true. What are we doing here? You have control about, over how you show up, the integrity that you bring, the intention and the presence that you bring, but not anyone else.
Over-giving? Oh my God, that's a big one. Over-giving, to the point where you ain't even in the scope of a project anymore. This was supposed to take you 15 hours? You're at freakin' 50 hours, and you're like, "Well, you know, they needed it, so I just—I wanted to make sure that they had a good experience." No, ma'am. No, ma'am. No, ma'am. You know? I think that there's a time to over-deliver, to bring tremendous value, but there's also a time where we have to set a boundary and remember that, like, we are not here to just—that's not what we're here to do. Like, we're on—not a never-ending stream of water. Like, you are—every day, you have limited time and energy and resources to put towards things. Maybe that's your family, that's your client work, whatever it may be. And when you say "yes" again and again and again, we create this pattern of "Yes, yes, I'm your 'yes' woman," all the time. You're gonna get walked all over. And you can give a really incredible experience for your clients without over-giving to the point where it is just absolutely absurd. Okay? I'm just saying that somebody needs to hear that.
Avoiding difficult conversations as well. And I think we can really do this with clients, which is how we end up in that over-giving pattern. Or even in just close relationships, you know, just not wanting to go there. Being afraid of like, "Oh my God, if I say that, she's gonna be so upset. If I say that, we'll never be friends again. If I say that, they're gonna fire me." Yeah, there might be a little bit of pain. You—you risk that rejection or pain or whatever you want to call it. But to me, that short-term pain is worth cutting this pattern out of your life that's taking so much of you. It's draining everything out of you. It's just not worth it. And if you can't have a hard conversation, especially with a—a—a friend, do they need to be in your life? I have had a lot of hard conversations with my family, with my husband, and I'm sure I will with Leo one day. Because you're willing to have hard conversations with people that you love. You're also willing to have hard conversations with your community if you want to serve them. If you wanna see them experience a transformation, break a pattern, move through whatever it is, you're gonna be willing to go there. And that's where operating in that conviction and cutting through is important. And like I said, one of the biggest ways that this has shown up, especially in my business, wasn't as an obvious, like, "I'm a people pleaser. I wanna keep all these people happy." Because it doesn't often show up that way. It showed up as this undercurrent of, "I wanna be a good leader. I wanna be a good person, and I want this person to experience transformation. I want this person to be deeply served." It was coming from all of these good places, but I was going about it all the wrong ways, because a good leader isn't someone that keeps the peace all the time. A good leader isn't someone that says "yes" all the time. They ain't your "yes" woman or your hype woman. Sometimes they make you feel like—Yeah.—what do you mean? Sometimes they make you feel defensive because they see you so deep, and they're cutting through something, helping you see something that you've never seen a certain way. That's a true leader.
And so for me, I had to realize that I was in this pattern of people pleasing, but it was showing up under these good intentions, and I bet nine out of ten of you, like, that's what it is for you. And so I want you to look at the way that you're showing up in your business, the way that you're showing up in your relationships, and those perhaps good intentions. Are they actually the things that—that are happening? Are you actually operating as an effective leader? A.k.a., are you willing to have hard conversations? A.k.a., are you willing to not be liked? Are you willing to say no? Or, is that a mask for people pleasing? People pleasing can cost you so much, but I think that really the biggest thing that it does cost you is yourself. Like, you are such a gift to this world. You are such a gift to the business world, to your relationships, and people pleasing costs you everything because it makes you be everything that you're not. It makes you be a piece of yourself. I love that analogy. It's like you're scattering all these pieces of yourself everywhere versus being the whole true version of yourself. And that feels like crap. And so, yeah, you're gonna feel like crap. Your relationships are gonna be lukewarm. You're gonna be showing up, truly, if we're honest, very inauthentically. Mm-hmm. And you're gonna keep wondering why, "I feel misaligned. I feel so stressed out. Oh, I'm so worried all the time. I just, like—something's off." Well, it's not be—it, it's because you're not being you. You're not bringing the fullness of who you are to the table. You're sacrificing yourself on the altar of approval. Mm-hmm. Because you think that it's this good thing, that it's going to benefit everyone else, when really, it just destroys you in the end. Sit with that. Sit with that.
That is insane. Because you lose in the end. You think that maybe it's gonna benefit you or it's going to help everyone else around you, but it just ends up destroying you. You lose out in the end. You lose—your relationships and friendships might end because you weren't standing in the truth of who you are the whole time, when you could've been, you know? Yeah. You're gonna lose so much in your business too, 'cause you can succeed like that for a while, even if you're, like, stressed out, pulling out your hair, going insane. You can survive like that for a while. You can even grow like that for a while, but you're, you'll always have—you'll always be buried at that level. You'll always have that limitation. Mm-hmm. Like, you'll never be able to break through until you are willing to say, "I'm done. I'm cutting off this pattern." Like, "I'm not gonna live my life for other people." Mm-hmm. Living your life for other people is different than living your life to serve people through your calling. Yes. Through your passion, through your purpose. But you will always be limited. You will always be held back by that thing. You will reach a place where you can't break through until you're willing to let that go. Amen.
That's definitely shown up in, like, personal relationships for me, where I've, I've avoided certain, like, conversations, having the hard conversations, because at the core of those hard conversations is, like, truth. It's like, you need to speak the truth, or you need to say this, or you need to say that and speak to that thing. A—and it's scary. Like, it's scary to have honest conversations when maybe you haven't been, in personal relationships. Like, it's hard to start doing that. It's hard to start when you haven't been in the practice of it. It's scary and it feels like there's so much risk in it, and like, you risk the, the relationship blowing up, or whatever it may be. But it's like, maybe that relationship needs to end. Maybe if, like you said, maybe if you can't have hard conversations with someone, if you can't have honest conversations with them, then maybe they shouldn't be in your close inner circle of friends, or w—whatever it may be. So, yeah, it's definitely shown up for me in that way, but I think it can also show up in your, the way you present yourself online. Like, this is a whole other layer to this conversation, because we're also, like, putting out content on the internet. We're presenting our, our brand through, like, the way we have, like, our messaging and things like that. So, when you share online, you are sharing on this platform where anyone can see what you're sharing. So, I feel like that can affect how we show up, because we wanna please everyone. We want to have all the approval from all these different people. So, it might even influence the way that we show up online and the things that we share. We might not be willing to go deep and share things that are of value and speak the truth of our convictions, because it might ruffle the feathers of those people over there. And I wanna make sure they're happy too, just as much as, "I want these people to be happy over here." And then you're just not really sharing anything that's valuable. You're never taking a s—a true stance on anything and you're just sharing all this lukewarm, sorry to say it, garbage, because it's watered down and it's not—there's no weight to it. It's not even, uh, as powerful as it could be. Like, the message you're sharing is not as powerful as it could be because you're watering it down so that it's palatable to everybody. And if you're palatable to everyone, then you're forgettable and no one re—no one will really care what you have to say—Mm-hmm.—because you're not really, you're not taking a stance on either side or you're not taking a stance on anything, so you're just kind of everything for everyone. And then, what does, what does that do for anyone? You know what I mean? And I think you can, like, avoid sharing the truth online because you're scared of offending people. You're scared of how people will perceive you. You're scared of how they will react. And like you said earlier, we cannot control other people's reactions. We can only control how we show up and what we say. And if we are operating out of integrity and speaking the truth, then that should be good enough. And if we're misunderstood because of that, if some people don't like it, then so be it. It's like, we have to let that go. We have to just walk in the truth of who we are and, and let that go and stop seeking a—approval from everyone and their mother. Like, everyone online, the online world, the internet is such a great tool because it can broadcast our voices to millions of people. So many people are on the internet. It, you, your message can, uh, be seen and heard by so many people. But don't let that affect how you show up, and the things that you share, and how you present yourself online. Like I said earlier, the truth of who you are should be th—it should be the same in a private room with, with one person as it, as it is in front of thousands or millions of people.
She freaking went there. She went there. I was just over here like, "Mmm." yeah. Sipping the tea. It is so true. If you are not speaking from conviction, if you aren't speaking to that specific group of people that you are meant to serve and support, you're speaking to no one, really. Mm-hmm. I don't care how much content you put out. I don't care how pretty it is. I don't care if it sounds nice. You're really speaking to no one. Maybe you're speaking to a small group of people, but are you really creating a true change in people? You know? And I think that, yeah, this definitely shows up in content. I feel like it's showing up a lot right now in this era, and a lot of people are breaking out of this. Because you will not be able to be effective with your content, reach the right people, grow the way that you wanna grow, land the clients that you wanna land if you're just speaking from this lukewarm, half-butt angle—and energy and presence. Mm-hmm. And listen, we're not saying go out there with the agenda, "I'm gonna feathers today." "I'm gonna piss some people—" No, okay? We are not under the agenda of pissing people off. But what we're saying is that when you are so operating out of your conviction, out of integrity, out of your call, it will piss people off. Okay? And until you're comfortable with that, you will not grow to the level where you can speak to more people. Or you may, but you won't be able to sustain it. You won't be able to grow from there because you'll be so consumed with how they're perceiving you and what they're saying. Let them talk. Let people talk. They aren't for you anyways. Mm. You're here to serve and support a specific group of people. And if you're always trying to speak to everyone, even those outside of that group of people, you're gonna be speaking to no one. And when you're speaking to everyone, that doesn't allow you or your brand or the power of it to, like, stand out. And I feel like that's what so many people are concerned about nowadays is like, "How do I stand out online? How do I stand out in my content?" I've had that concern. So I'm, I'm there with you. But it's like, maybe you just need to operate out of your, the, the truth of who you are and the fullness of who you are. And maybe that will attract people. Maybe that will deter some people away. And that's what you want. You want the wrong people to know, like, "This isn't for me. I need to go elsewhere." And you want the right people to know that this is for them, you know? Mm-hmm. Maybe that's the missing piece. Maybe it's not like, "I need to do this trend, and I need to hop on this, and I need to create content this way." Maybe it's like, let's just, like, be so firm in the truth of who we are that we, we don't doubt the way that we show up. We don't doubt the things that we share, and we just show up with full conviction. And we let the wrong people be deterred away, and we invite the right people in. Mm-hmm. Maybe that's what we need to do moving forward in order to stand out. That's how you stand out. That's how you stand out to the right people. Mm-hmm. By just being fully who you are. Yeah.
An effective brand should attract and deter. So, if you're not deterring the wrong people, then your brand isn't actually effective. Mm-hmm. And so often, like, how we're trying to, quote-unquote, "be different" is like we're just going online. We're seeking our inspiration from there, which is the first problem. And we're looking at people that we aspire to, and we're asking ourselves, "What are they doing?" And then it w—kind of just becomes, like, uh, this path of, like, regurgitation. Because we're l—looking at the people that we look up to, and then we're kind of recreating what they did in a way because that worked for them. That is a path to failure. Let's not—I'm just gonna be very blunt with you. And it might work for a period of time, you know? You can operate underneath someone else's gifts and call and grace for a while, but you will reach a ceiling that you cannot break through at some point. Mm-hmm. And that's why we talk so much about finding your inspiration and your conviction off the screen—Yeah.—off the screen, in other places—in the world, in nature, in a—in a book—in relationships. I don't know. Go have a nice three-course meal. Get inspiration from food. I don't freaking care. Like, anywhere else. Because as long as you're regurgitating and you're trying to be different by being similar to what worked for someone that is similar to you or that you look up to, you will never be, quote-unquote, "different," but more than that, you'll never really do what you're meant to do here. And that's the biggest problem. Yeah.
Definitely. I had this experience recently that I thought I would just share real quick. Um, I—she's already dying laughing. I am an AI enthusiast. I love AI. And no one can convince me otherwise to stop using it, and I'm just gonna say that right now. I love AI. I recommend it for people with, like, work, because it has transformed the way that I work and saved me so much time. I am like an AI evangelist. Like, I just will like—want everyone to freaking use it, because I think it's so beneficial, and I believe it's, like, the way of the future. And I don't see it going back to the way it was before. It's out of the box. There's no putting it back in. That's my stance on this. So, just to set the scene, I created an AI photo recently, which I don't really ever do, but I thought it would be fun to turn a selfie of mine into this AI-generated style of, like, retro-futurism, 'cause I just kind of like that style. I found it on Pinterest, and I'm like, "I wanna, like, emulate this style, but have a selfie, and maybe I can, like, put it up on Instagram, and, like, just something cute and fun." It was, like, so innocent in nature. But I created this image, and I posted it on TikTok. Y'all, TikTok can be a scary place. The internet at large can be scary, but that's the thing—okay, I'm gonna get to that in a second. It c—it can be scary, because if you attract the wrong people, and they don't like what you have to say, then it's gonna feel, like, d—uncomfortable. So, I posted this photo, and I just thought it was so cute. And I know recently there was this whole trend where people were turning photos into this anime style. And I was like, "I'm gonna do that in my own way and, like, have fun with it." And I posted it, and then I—I kind of forgot about it that day, and then that night—never check your phone at night. Don't check it right before you're about to go to bed. Don't check social media before you're going to bed. Whoo, because I opened TikTok late at night before I was going to bed, and I saw maybe, like, 10 comments already, which is rare for me. I usually don't get, like, any comments on TikToks, and I don't share that much on there anyway. And I already had, like, 10 comments that were all extremely negative. Like, insanely negative. There was comments that literally just said, "Boo," with tomatoes. Like, they were throwing tomatoes at me. Savage. There were comments that were calling into question, uh, me as a writer and just saying, you know, "How—how can you use AI as a writer?" Like, "That's so, like, counterintuitive," or, "That just goes against, you know, everything that we should stand for as writers." And I'm like, "Boo-hoo. Sorry. Like, I—I don't agree with that." And there were so many comments coming in that were, you know, calling into question basically my character and my ethics and whether or not I cared about the planet. Because, yes, AI, there are some environmental concerns with AI. What I will say to that point is that people are already working on solutions for that, so I have faith that there is a brighter future ahead, and that's where I stand on—and I saw these comments coming in, and I felt, like, red in the face. I felt so ashamed. And I was just in the privacy of my bedroom, and I was like, "I, like, I was like, 'I have to delete this.' Like, 'I don't want anyone else to see this. I don't want anyone to see these negative comments and think that it's okay to share more negative comments here. And I don't like this feeling that all these people hate me now, these people who don't even know me. All these people hate me. All these people are calling my character into question.'" And for a few minutes there, I was like, "I'm just gonna delete it. Like, I'm gonna not even archive it. I'm going to permanently delete it, and I'm—I'm never sharing AI stuff on TikTok again." Because there's a very cer—specific group of people online that don't like AI, and they don't agree with it, and that's okay. Everyone—like, to each their own. Everyone has their opinions and beliefs on this stuff, and that's fine, but to spread hate and shame people over it? I don't agree with that. And in that moment, I kind of just instantly had this realization that, like, these are not my people. These people don't agree with me. They don't agree with AI. There's no use in arguing with them, because they're not gonna—that's just not the way forward anyway. There's no use in even replying, period. I didn't reply to anyone, 'cause I'm like, "Even if I say the nicest, most well thought out comment to be as genuine and kind as possible, they were gonna come back with hate." Because that's how they entered the conversation. That's how they entered the comment section. So I was like, "They're already carrying that, so I'm not gonna add fuel to the fire." So I didn't say anything. And suddenly, I was like, "You know what? I'm not gonna let these people shame me into silence or shame me into submission and say that, like, I can't post this certain thing, I can't use AI, or I shouldn't do this. I believe what I believe about AI and I'm gonna stand by that." And it—and at first, it was kind of this defiant nature of like, "You will not shame me into silence." And ever since then, that has been a phrase that I have kept saying over myself. People will not shame me into silence. That shame is not gonna be used as—as a tactic against me, to silence me or to keep me quiet or—or to c—make me cower away or back down. I stand by the fact that I like AI, I love using it, and I'm gonna keep using it. It's as simple as that. And I kind of had to reposition this and think, "You know, if I posted that and it got in front of the right people, and I had a lot of fun, happy comments, people saying, 'This is so cute. I wanna do it now.'" If I had all those comments, I would've felt affirmed and I would've felt like, "Yeah, that's cool. Like, I'm glad I posted that." But I got all these negative comments, and then I started to doubt myself and feel like I need to cower away and I need to delete this. But I kept it up. And then, I kept getting more and more comments. I kept getting more comments that were so hateful. I kept getting so many comments. And I kept getting more views. And I'm like, "Y'all are just fueling my, like, account right now. You're just giving me, like, more views and more comments, more engagement on my posts." Like, "Okay, like, I'll take it." Like, you know, I don't really care. I just didn't care anymore because I knew those people were not for me. Those people don't agree with me, and that's okay. And there's room for different opinions and beliefs. But they're not for me, and I'm not—I'm definitely not gonna let these people who are not for me dictate what I do or do not do. You know? Like—I'm not gonna let that control me. So I just wanted to share that story as a good example of, like, you're gonna probably ruffle feathers if you—if you take a stance on anything, if you share the most innocent thing that feels innocent to you. That felt as innocent enough to me. It was just a little AI selfie and I thought it was cute, and I got hate comments. Like, I think I—I don't think I've ever gotten hate comments before in my life. Like, these were hateful comments. And I'm like, "I just wish them well, bless them. You know, God bless these people because, like, I'm not—I'm not gonna respond to them and then, you know, they'll be on their merry way and they'll be spreading hate wherever they go and that's fine." But I'm like, "I'm not gonna let that dictate what I do or don't do." And I hope that that empowers you to do the same, that whatever it is that you're sharing about, even if it's business-related, it may not be the same kind of scenario that I'm talking about. If it's business-related, you might ruffle feathers. Mm-hmm. And just let that be okay. Like, the people who are for you will get you and will get what you have to say. The people that are not for you, they won't get it, and that's okay. Period. Period. Man, that was so dang good.
It's like, are you gonna let the people who aren't for you dictate how you show up for the people that you're meant to speak to? Like, how ridiculous? And I think, too, what matters more to me is, what do the people d—in direct contact with me have to think of me? Like, what does my sister have to think about me? What does my parents have to say? What does my boyfriend have to say? If I feel really solid about that, then I feel like I'm okay, you know? Like, I don't—I don't need to worry about what strangers on the internet think of me and my character and who I am. I'm like, "They don't know me." So, like—Mm-hmm.—they can have these perceptions, but they're not the truth. So I'm good with that. Yeah.
It's like, we've had this conversation before where it's like, are you ready to grow to where people are gonna have not nice things to say? Are you ready to grow to where there's gonna be pushback, disagreement, blocks, whatever? Because that's the nature of growing anything online. You're going to have people that find your content and they just, they got some time on their hands, y'all. I'm like, they got—they ain't mothers. If they are, I wanna know their secrets—of how they have the time to leave hate comments on, on people's content. But it's the nature—the internet. Are you comfortable with that? Is that going to make you falter on what you believe and what you shared? And I love that you went through the litany of like, "I felt shame, and then I felt this and like I wanted to remove it, but then I reached this destination of like, shame isn't gonna silence me." That is so, so good. And you can apply that in relationships. You can apply that in client relationships as well, the way that you're showing up in your business. Have you ever been in a situation where you're like, "Man, th—th—that just made me feel ashamed"? I have found myself in positions like that in client relationships, and I have faltered because I was like, "Ugh, like I don't want them to see me this way," or, "I wanna be a good leader. Mm-hmm. I wanna be so kind and nice." "Therefore not me." Okay? But that doesn't end up serving anyone. So just be prepared when you start taking stances not to be selfish, not to say that, "This is my, you know, boundary. It's my way or the highway." That's not what we're saying, because you cut people pleasing because you care about yourself but you care about other people. Yes. When you are in a pattern of people pleasing, it is not of service to anyone, okay? So yeah. You know, you might ruffle some feathers. You might offend someone. But it's all for the greater purpose and cause of like, I wanna be truthful and I wanna have a real conversation, or I wanna bring the fullness of myself, my conviction into my content, or, hey, this is something that I'm feeling with a friend. Can we talk about this? You do wanna phrase things a certain way. You don't wanna come barreling in and be like, "It's my way or the freaking highway." That's, that's totally different from what we're talking about here. It's all from a place of service, but not because we're trying to cower and be s—small and like falter on the things that we're, that we're wanting to lead with, the convictions that we have and the truth that we wanna bring and the honesty that we wanna bring to the relationships in front of us. Friend, client, online community, whatever it may be. You wanna be strong but kind.
Yeah. Like you care about people. You don't wanna come off as like aggressive. That is not what we're getting at here. Like you wanna come off as like you care about people, but just because you care and you have sort of empathy or compassion for someone doesn't mean that you need to be like weak or meek. Like you still need to be strong in who you are, so—
Mm. That's so good.
Before we go, I wanna leave you with something that I have written out. I wanna read this and I really want you to like feel this fall over you. I really do hope that after this episode you feel like a sense of relief and release, that you can now go out in the world and stand in the truth of who you are and not falter and be strong in who you are. So I'm gonna go ahead and read this. "The journey back to yourself, back to your roots, your calling, your purpose requires you to release the need for everyone's approval. When you're anchored in who you were destined to be, other peoples' opinions become background noise instead of the driving force of your decisions. This isn't about becoming cold or uncaring. It's about caring so deeply about your calling that you're willing to disappoint some people to stay true to it, because the world doesn't need another people-pleaser trying to be everything for everyone. The world needs you, the real unfiltered, maybe sometimes polarizing you. Your calling is too important to water down for the comfort of others. Your message is too needed to shrink for the approval of strangers, and your purpose is too powerful to sacrifice on the altar of people-pleasing. So ask yourself, are you going to live in commitment to your calling or in commitment to what others want you to be? The choice is yours, but only one leads to the life you were destined for."
Mm. Amen.
I wanted her to read that because I feel like every word in that is so important and we wanted that to really land for you. Your purpose is too powerful to sacrifice on the altar of people pleasing. And that's what so many of us are doing. Right? We're sacrificing so much on that altar. And for what? For those like quick bursts of approval because we're finding our edification and our validation in other people and sometimes even strangers or sometimes people that barely know you. Like Jordan hit on earlier, if you can look around to the people closest to you, the people that are gonna call you out, they're gonna call you higher, they're gonna call you on your stuff, they're gonna speak life, they're gonna do all of those things, if you're in good standing with those people, you're good. They know you. They know your heart. So let this be a turning point for you if you're noticing these patterns in your life where you're giving too much and it's erring on people pleasing. It's under the guise of these good intentions but it's actually not so good. Let this be a fork in the road where you go in a different direction. And after this episode, I hope that you're compelled to move differently, to speak differently, to carry yourself differently. Sit up a little bit taller, let that ball of anxiety go. Go have that conversation with someone, go share that piece of content in your next content round. Operate from conviction versus obsessing over perception and giving into deception. Do something to break that pattern. If any of this spoke to you and called you out in a way today, do something to break that pattern. The more you do it, the easier it will get, and it's definitely the worthwhile path.
Deep breath, you guys. We made it through. Thank you for tuning in to the end. This was a meaty, long episode, but we hope you walk away feeling changed, feeling convicted, feeling called higher, and we just love you, we bless you. We can't wait to see you in the next one. Bye.
Bye.
