I've used that excuse and that verbiage for myself where I'm like, "Ugh, I'm just gonna stay in this cycle of pleasing this person, this group of people, et cetera, because I just, I really want to be a good leader. And at the end of the day, I really want this person to like me, or I want these people to like me. I don't want them to think any less of me." That's not true leadership. That is literally coming from a deeper desire for people to just like you, but it's not real.
Welcome to the Legacy Creator podcast, a show dedicated to giving you the tools you need to build a profitable, purposeful, and powerful business that lasts. I'm your host, Ashton Smith, a sixth-generation entrepreneur who is passionate about helping you think bigger so that you can actualize your goals and build your legacy.
Let's dive in.
All right. Hey. Hello. Welcome back to the Legacy Creator podcast.
What are we talking about today, Ashton?
Man, we're talking about a pretty serious topic, as we always do. You know, honestly, we just can't help ourselves. Like, we could sit here and, like, churn out, like, 10 ways to do this, or—no—let's just boost your sales, or—not that those things are bad, like—yeah. But we could. Yeah. We could churn out some episodes on things like that. But we would just much rather, you know, get straight to the point—yeah—the heart of the matter. Let's talk about things that matter. We just don't know how to do anything else. True. We're very—we like to go deep with it, you know? I know. We don't do surface level well, so—we really don't.
But today we were brainstorming, like, what would be a helpful topic, what's something that our community can relate to, and I think that, like, we're preaching to ourselves—Mm-hmm.—with this episode as well, because it's centered around people pleasing. How many of you can, like, relate to that? I could raise, like—hands, feet, toes, fingers—everything. Everything possible. I think we can so deeply relate to this—Mm-hmm.—which I think gives us a platform to be able to share and kind of speak to those of you that relate to this as well. Um, but we were kind of riffing and talking through, like, why, why is people pleasing bad for business or bad in business? Uh, I think, you know, we'll keep unpacking the layers throughout the episode, but I know some people might be thinking like, "Oh, well, like, why is it so bad to, you know, just kind of make sure that people are happy, to, like, keep the peace?" Um, but I think that that's entirely different, uh, in some ways than, like, the chronic act of, like, people pleasing constantly. Mm-hmm.
Um, something I was really thinking about is that in the act of trying to please people, you abandon all that you are in order to fit into what others want you to be. Yeah. That's so good. You know, it's kind of like you leave yourself behind. You're so consumed and fixated on everyone else. What's gonna keep them happy? What's going to keep the peace? What's going to not ruffle feathers? But at the end of the day, people pleasing may come from a good place. Mm-hmm. Like, it may come from a true desire to, like, make sure that everyone feels great and included. But when you're doing this so much, it's like the main way that you're operating in your business and your relationships, it's not truly genuine. I think that people pleasing is different than caring about other people. I think true care for other people in relationships, in business, and, you know, even when we talk about, like, cultivating, like, a true friendship, there's going to be, like, dynamics. There's gonna be nuances and layers to that. And not everyone in that relationship is always going to be happy or pleased or full of joy all the time. It's like a marriage, right? Like, you're gonna have disagreements. You're gonna have moments where, like, maybe a, a boundary is crossed in business or, you know, things come up, and if you're so focused on keeping everyone else at peace, then you deny yourself, like, the peace that you need. Mm-hmm. And so, we're talking about something entirely different than just caring about other people.
Yeah, 'cause I—I think people pleasing is different. Yeah, 'cause I feel like when you truly care for someone, that's when it's coming from a real, genuine place of like, "I actually care about you as a person, and I want you to be happy." Yeah, and then I think that people that naturally struggle with this in their day in, day, day out life, like maybe with your partner, with your friends, like, whatever, it does seep into the business world. And having this people pleasing energy in business, like, let me just tell you, it won't, you won't last long operating from that place. Like, you will eventually spiral out of control, where, like, you've lost your entire sanity and you've lost yourself because you've been on this spiral of trying to make everyone happy. And I think sometimes it comes from this, like, really deep desire and need to have everyone like you and to have everyone approve of you. And if people don't like you, if people don't approve of you, then you're not okay with you. Mm-hmm. That's, like, the deeper underlying issue here, is, like, you lose your confidence and your peace and your surety when people don't like you. Mm-hmm. Because you've given away your own, like, power, I think, and your control—Mm-hmm.—to other people. Like, you need that validation and approval in order to be okay with yourself. And that's, like, a level of people pleasing that is just really toxic—Mm-hmm.—to stay in. Yeah.
Yeah, and I feel like when, when you are people pleasing, you s—can sacrifice a lot in that. There's, like, a trade-off. You can sacrifice your voice. When you're in that people pleasing state, you can kind of silence yourself because th—there's this fear of like, "I'm gonna rub someone the wrong way," or, "I might offend them if I say this." Even if it's something, like, not very offensive, but, like, maybe setting a boundary, or, um, having some sort of disagreement with someone, it can feel like you're being mean. It can feel like you're gonna, like, offend someone in that. But you lose your voice when you do that and you silent—like, by silencing yourself, you're not really gonna accomplish anything and that's not gonna create a healthy dynamic between, like, you and—and a—a partner or a client or, you know—Mm-hmm.—et cetera. Yeah, and th—and the interactions aren't real, and they aren't healthy. I think that when I say they aren't real, I'm more so talking about those, like, close relationships that you have, like maybe friends or business partners, business acquaintances. It's a little bit different when we kind of look at your business as a whole. But I think that specifically where you could lose your voice and where that can be really applicable is, like, in your content, in your marketing. Mm-hmm. Like, you can really start to, uh, try to fit into frameworks and molds that, you know, will relate to everyone. You know, you don't really use critical thinking or you don't really try to share what you really think because you don't wanna step on toes and you're not really, like, being true to who you are, to what you believe, to the values that you carry. And like, isn't that the whole point and isn't that what sets you apart and isn't that what creates, like, true, meaningful impact? And that's how you have real conversations with people too. Like, you can really connect with people when you are, uh, when it comes from that genuine place and if you're afraid of, like, stepping on toes, you might not talk about certain things 'cause you're, like, you wanna please everyone, you wanna, like, please the masses, and that's just—Mm-hmm.—that's not really possible anyway. But—Mm-hmm.—um, I feel like in people-pleasing as well, you can also lose, like, your peace of mind and your sanity because, like I said, it kind of creates this frantic energy of like, everyone needs to be happy and you can sacrifice your own peace for that. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Like, let's say a client comes to you with, you know, 5 requests, 3 of which are out of scope. If you're operating from a place of, "Oh, I need to, like, keep this client pleased. I need to make sure they're happy and I need to make sure that they like me. I need to make sure that I don't upset them or even, like, you know, come close to upsetting them," then you're going to probably, like, accomplish, do all of those things when in actuality it's outside of the scope of the contract. Mm-hmm. And was that actually the most productive thing to do that honors the client and you? No, not necessarily. That was from a place of not necessarily a healthy place of wanting to, um, go above and beyond, but more so, "Oh, like, I need for them to like me, like, I don't wanna upset them so I'm just gonna do this thing." And then you think, "Oh," like, "this—this will be fine. You know, we'll kinda move on." But then it kind of creates this dynamic where you're kind of letting people walk all over you—Mm-hmm.—and you don't know how or want to set boundaries because you're afraid that someone's gonna be upset when in actuality—Mm-hmm.—boundaries are empowering both for you and the person on the other side. Mm-hmm. So, you know, you don't want to operate from this place where it's so much so about everyone else, their approval, that like, you literally lose your sense of peace. Mm-hmm. Because you've just lost—you've lost control entirely. Mm-hmm.
Um, kind of going back to the offense thing we were just talking about, I was just thinking about how something that may offend one person is like the most liberating thing for another. Mm-hmm. And, you know, I think about this podcast and the path that Jordan and I have chosen and we're on and we're kind of like paving the way for moving forward and we've had so many conversations about, yeah, we could sit down and we could come up with, I don't know, dozens, 50 plus episode ideas that are very, like, strict, uh, straight to the point, you know, 5 steps to do this, this, this, educational content which is powerful. But we both feel compelled and called to take this podcast elsewhere not because it's right for everyone but because it's right for us and that's what we feel that we need to do and we need to lend our voice to. And so we realize, like, these episodes and the stances that we're taking and the places that we're going are not gonna be for everyone. Actually, they're going to probably, like, really offend some people, especially people that don't have full context and don't know us. Like—yeah.—recently we've already had, you know, just a little bit of pushback on different platforms with some of the content we've been sharing but I always—I actually see that as such a positive sign and I think that I'm also, like, priming myself for the future as we keep pouring into this business and growing this business and sharing our hearts and our stances on things. Like, the more that you grow, the more that you will offend people. Why? Because you're in front of more people. And if you're saying something meaningful, it's going to deeply resonate with the right people and it's going to wildly offend the wrong people. Mm-hmm. Wrong being, you know, they aren't your ideal client or, you know, they don't get the full context of what you're saying, right? Mm-hmm. Or they're just not your people, and that's okay. Like, that's totally fine. Like, that is you repelling the people that aren't meant to be in the community receiving the message so that you can deeply speak to the right people that need the message. Mm-hmm. You can lose your voice, you can lose your peace, your sanity. But this point, Jordan actually mentioned this and I was like, "Man, that's so good." You can lose your autonomy. And I was like, "what does that word mean?" So I literally looked it up, and I wanna read the definition for you guys. "The right or condition of self-government, the capacity of an agent to act in accordance with objective morality rather than under the influence of desires." Hmm. And in that, I feel like the desire for many of us would be wanting to keep the peace, wanting to be liked, wanting to be approved, but then what do you sacrifice? This says, "objective morality." Like, what are the things that you, like, truly deep down, like, believe and think, like, that is part of your makeup and you're sacrificing that just out of the desire for people to like you or for people to not be upset by anything that you do. Like, you have to, like, play so small and so little in that environment—there's no way to keep everyone happy.
Yeah. Yeah, you're not f—you're not for everyone, like, and that's okay. But yeah, you can, you can definitely lose, like, the sense of self and like lose yourself in the act of, of trying to keep the peace with every single person. It's just, like, it's not possible. It's not possible for everyone to like you and approve of you and approve of what you have to say. Like, you are probably going to ruffle some feathers and, like, you know, even in small ways, even in a, in a business setting where maybe, like, you have to set a boundary with someone, like, that might not feel super good. It might feel a little bit uncomfortable, but, like, that's actually healthy in, in a business relationship or a personal relationship. Like, you, you have to have real conversations with people sometimes, and, like, sometimes the people might not receive it very well. But—Mm-hmm.—yeah. But at least you're saying something that has meaning and at least you're saying something that has truth to you—Mm-hmm.—like, that you actually believe, you know?
Yeah. So, I know another thing that people can really struggle with when it comes to people pleasing is it comes from this place of, like, you feel guilty if you're not people pleasing because you're thinking to yourself, like, "Ah, I wanna be, like, the bigger person and, like, I wanna be kind and I wanna be genuine and I wanna be a really good, like, leader and coach." And I am, like, speaking to myself here because I think that there have been so many times in my journey in business where I've, I've used that kind of, like, excuse and that verbiage for myself where I'm like, "Ugh, I'm just gonna stay in this cycle of pleasing this person, this group of people, et cetera, because I just, I really wanna be a good leader. And at the end of the day, I really want this person to like me, or I want these people to like me. I don't want them to think any less of me." That's not true leadership. Like, that's not being a true, like, coach or consultant or strategist. Like, that is literally coming from a d—deeper desire for people to just like you, but it's not real. And so, you know, I think, again, it comes back to, like, being kind to people is so different than people pleasing. Mm-hmm. And you don't have to feel guilty if not everyone likes you.
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I feel like in the name of being kind and compassionate, sometimes you can just fall into that state of, of people pleasing and, like, it can kind of lead to you being walked all over and just—for the sake of, like, keeping the peace. And you don't wanna be a doormat, you don't want people to walk all over you. You have to set boundaries with people. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and it doesn't have to be in a mean-spirited way or, like, a aggressive manner. It can just be like, "I'm, I'm standing up for myself in this situation, I feel like this boundary needs to be set." And, like, sometimes you might also disagree with someone and that's not the end of the world. It's like, we can all be com—like, kind and compassionate to each other even when we disagree on things. And your stances on things, the w—the things that you believe in, it's, it's not going to be for everyone and that's okay. Mm-hmm. And if you try to make it for everyone then you can't really be you—Mm-hmm.—like at all. But it is okay to disagree with people, it's okay to have a different belief or a different stance. Like, there's nothing wrong with that and there's nothing to be guilty or ashamed of, like, in that stance. I have a, a good business friend that comes to mind right now where she and I, we have very different, like, stances on, on our, our business and kind of like even the way we market and some of the things that we talk about. We actually have very different stances and we know that we kind of agree to disagree on a few things and we're okay with that. Like, we both stand in our own beliefs, power, thoughts and that's like a true, healthy, dynamic relationship, friendship, whatever it is. When you can agree to disagree and you can just let, you can let yourself shine, you can let yourself, like, speak, uh, without having to, like, filter everything to make sure everyone's happy and you can also let other people do that, right? And that doesn't take away from or make you have to change your stance on things. And I think I'm specifically speaking to content in this example here. Mm-hmm. Um, but it's okay to disagree, it's okay to stand up for yourself, it's okay to set boundaries. Like, it's okay to even offend people sometimes, like, in the name of sharing, like, your true conviction. There's nothing to be guilty or ashamed of. And I know, like, the empathetic, compassionate person struggles so much with that. Mm-hmm.
And, like, I am that person, I feel, you know? Yeah. Like, wanting to be kind and, and truly, like, hold space for people but where's the boundary? Like, where do you draw the line? Because if you don't ever draw a line then you enter into that territory where you're striving to please people and then, in turn, you're letting people walk all over you and you aren't even able to be who you truly are because you're trying to fit into what people want you to be. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you're not, like, standing in your strength as, as a leader in that instance. Like, letting people walk all over you or take advantage of you, like, maybe they're not intentionally trying to but, like, sometimes we can fall into those situations. And, um, yeah, like you were talking about this specific person, or I don't know exactly who you were talking about, but I feel like in that situation, like, um, this person that you're referring to is for different people and we might attract some different people. So like, like we said, like, w—we're not for everyone and, you know, your content might not be for everyone but, you know, it's about attracting, like, the right people. It is, it's about attracting your people and you do that by being you.
And I think this comes back to this core theme that Jordan and I talk about all the time which is, like, we're just, like, leading all of us back to our power and, like, who we really are. And, you know, encouraging everyone listening not to try and be something that you're not, be someone else. You know, e—exiting out of, like, that insecurity or the pattern of comparison or competition. Like, it all comes back to, like, a sure confidence and, like, knowing who you are, knowing your identity and when you're operating from that place, like, it's okay when people don't like you. It's okay when you offend people. It's okay when you have a unique stance on something that, you know, repels someone because at the end of the day it's not about pleasing them, it's not about being someone or being something for everyone, it's about being you. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. So, you know, and I think that you're able to do that when you embrace, like, the full strengths and the fullness of who you are. Mm-hmm.
Another thing I was thinking about is it is not normal for everyone to be pleased with you and for everyone to like you. Like, if the entire world, every single person on this planet was able to see you and your content and every single person said, "Oh, like, they're amazing, I love them," I think that we're doing something wrong because what that would mean is that your stance or your content or what you're sharing, the way you're expressing yourself, it's so watered down that it's not real. It's not true to you, right? And that's something we touch on in our episode about virality versus meaningful marketing. It's like, when you have something to say it's gonna deeply resonate with someone, you're gonna have a stance on something, but it's also going to, like, repel people. Like, that's what true depth does. Yeah. You know, I think sometimes when we record a podcast, like, we definitely, we always think about, like, what does our community need to hear? And sometimes, like, what you need to hear isn't necessarily what you want to hear. Mm-hmm. Like, I'm sure we would have people send requests in for things that are maybe a little bit more service level or educational—Mm-hmm.—um, because we are in the business space and we do educate through our content. But sometimes we think, what would our community need to hear? Mm-hmm. And I think that sometimes, like, that's the most impactful thing that you can do, right? Mm-hmm. And you're not able to, like, I think, you're not able to truly serve and, like, have meaningful impact if you aren't willing to go to a place that may offend some people. Mm-hmm. If you take a stance on anything, you're gonna offend someone. If I say, "I hate cats"—oh no, the cat community is coming for us. People are going to come for me. Like, or if I say, like, "Ugh, tulips are ugly." Mm-hmm. People are gonna be like, "Girlfriend." Yeah. Yeah, because every one of us has an opinion about something, like all of us do. We all have our different perspectives and our, our different points of view and whatnot. Yeah, I feel like some of what we talk about on this podcast, like, it might be offensive in a way that, it's like we're trying to stretch people a little bit and that doesn't always feel good. And it all comes from a place of love and compassion. Like, we're never trying to be polarizing for the sake of being polarizing, but some of what we talk about does offend people and I, I can confidently say that it does. Like—'cause we've seen some comments that are questionable recently.—that it will, but it already is, like, kind of offending some people, but it's not from a place of, like, we're trying to piss people off. That is not what we're trying to do here. But we are trying to empower. We're trying to call people up higher and, like, help people think bigger. Mm-hmm. And if you want to create meaningful content or create a business that is meaningful or just do meaningful work, like, you probably will offend some people and if, if you're taking any sort of stance on something, you're gonna offend people. Mm-hmm. And, yeah, people pleasing I feel like just keeps you stuck and you're not going to, like, fulfill your true purpose if you're just trying to please the masses 'cause that's just impossible. It's just so exhausting. Mm-hmm. It's like, what is the point? Mm-hmm. Like, do you wanna tell me that you're literally trying to live your life for other people? Do you literally want to tell me that—yes—every day you want to spend your time living your life as a fake version of you—Mm-hmm.—trying to please other people? Mm-hmm. I think it's different, like, the picture I just painted is totally different from living your life to truly impact and transform people. But you don't do that from a place that isn't genuine and true to you. Like, you do that from a place of, like, true confidence, being willing to take a stance not because you wanna go viral or because you wanna offend or because you wanna be polarizing or magnetic, whatever word people are using now, but because it's, like, this is a true belief that I carry or this is a true need that I see or this is a true gap that I see, and, like, you truly are sharing from a place of wanting to help. Like, that's where the power and the magic is.
Amen, sister.
I think at the end of the day people pleasing comes from or it can come from, like, a really good place because you are trying to be kind, you're trying to be compassionate—Mm-hmm.—you're trying to be empathetic, you're trying to be a good leader, trying to be a good business owner, a good friend, whatever it is. But I think that it can get out of hand really fast and you get to this place where you're living your life for other people, you're building your business according to what, you know, you think other people want you to do—Mm-hmm.—and then you're not doing anything that's true to you. And I think that's the ultimate disservice that we can do to everyone around us, everyone in our community, in our sphere, is not live true to who we are. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I feel like out of the three kind of major points we listed under, like, what do you, what do you sacrifice, like, what do you sacrifice when you people please, like, number one thing I think is, like, autonomy. You just lose all sense of self in that state, in that frantic state of trying to please everyone and trying to be for everyone 'cause, like we said, like, you're not going to be for everyone. Not everyone will like you or approve of what you have to say or what you have to bring to the table. And I think if we can all start kind of just accepting that, I feel like we'll be able to operate from more of a powerful place 'cause it's like your, your content is not for everyone. Your business is not for everyone. You are not for everyone. Some people w—probably won't even like your personality and that is a hard thing to hear 'cause sometimes we just wanna be for everyone, we want everyone to accept us. Like, I feel like that's such a natural thing but some people won't like your stuff and that's okay. Like, some people will, some people won't, so what next? Next. So what next? Yeah. It's like, so what? Like, are you seriously telling me that you're not going to share, say, do what you think or want to do solely for the people that, like, don't already like you? What? That's a waste of, of time and energy. Yeah. Like, you don't wanna live your life for those people. Mm-hmm. Like, you aren't here for everyone. You want to, number one, honor, like, what is true to who you are, right? Mm-hmm. Like, live from an authentic place. It doesn't need to be for anyone else first and foremost because if it is for someone else first and foremost, you have no sense of foundation of confidence—Mm-hmm.—like, in yourself. then it's never going to be healthy. First and foremost, like, live from a place that is, like, of integrity, true to you, what do you think, what do you believe, and be willing—be, like, brave enough to, like, bring that into your work, to bring that into your creativity, to bring that into your relationships, because that brings meaning, that brings depth, that brings truth. Mm-hmm. And then from that place, that will impact the right people. Like, again, you are not here by accident. Like, you have a divine, specific makeup for a reason, not only for you but for people around you. And so it's like, don't do the disservice of, like, not operating from that place because you're trying to convince the people that don't already really like you, to like you and approve of you. Mm-hmm. Like, it's just a waste of time and energy. Mm-hmm. It doesn't create impact and it definitely doesn't leave you feeling fulfilled. Yeah. You're just gonna feel—end up feeling drained by doing that. Exhausted. Yeah. Like, how exhausting.
So, at the end of the day, like, we just want this c—we want this conversation to empower you to, like, be you and to not go out of your way to, like, offend or repel or, you know, just—be polarizing. Exactly. Like, that's not the point. Yeah. But also, like, stand firm in who you are and, like, be good with that. Mm-hmm. You can be kind and compassionate and empathetic, a great leader, but also have boundaries and, and know what you think and know what you believe and, like, take a stance on those things. And you should be willing to go there 'cause that's going to truly change people. Mm-hmm.
Amen.
That was so good. We end all of our episodes with snaps now. Snaps. It's a new thing. I can't help it, it's just too good. Well, we hope that this was inspiring, encouraging, leaves you feeling uplifted, and just in your power. If you did enjoy the episode, please take a minute to leave us a review wherever you're listening. Tell us what you like, tell us what you want to hear, and we will catch you in the next one. Bye. Bye.
